Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I AM ME

Here we are...the beginning of 2015. Another new year. For the first time in a long time, I'm just ecstatic, ready and open to the many possibilities new beginnings bring. For so many years, I wasn't exactly eager to ring in a new year having "body issues", being morbidly obese (276 pounds on a 5'4" frame), feeling older, and just not feeling totally comfortable in my own skin.

In the past, another new year represented for me - coming to terms with, and looking back on 365 days of procrastination. Yes, my weight held me back. My weight negatively affected me on the innermost deepest levels. "It" held a shadow over almost everything I did.

But let's go back a few years so you can understand where I've come from and how I came to begin my weight-loss journey.

I studied ballet from the age of 4 to 16 - 12 years of ballet. 12 years of always being the biggest girl in the class. Not the tallest. The biggest. Even as a little girl I had - well, let's just say baby had back - and thighs. Back in those days (over 40 years ago) people had very different views of beauty, particularly in the world of ballet. My teacher told my mother I needed to slim down. My mother would make me walk up and down our long hallway on my bottom, using my glutes and hamstrings to walk me back and forth - up and down the hallway, in an effort to widdle down my back-side.

Ummmm, HELLO!!!! Not only did that NOT work - I gained more muscle. My back-side and thighs were stronger and more toned. Muscular, but by no means stronger. I cannot tell you how many times I was told to "Pull in your stomach, shoulders back, and tuck in your bottom!" I guess unfortunately for me, my bottom was large. Or at least, that's what I was taught. I grew up thinking I was fat because I had a large bottom and muscular thighs. When I got older and looked back on pictures of a young me, I had to speak to that little girl. "You are not fat. You are beautifully made". It wasn't until I reached my late 20's that I really realized that a round bottom and muscular thighs was very attractive indeed to many.

At 15, I decided I wanted to run track. I was tired of always being the fat girl. I started running and fell in love with it. I joined track team my senior year in high school and I ran every chance I got. I ran in the summer for hours and hours. Running was my peace an escape. I kept running when I started college and ran right through to my 8th month of pregnancy with my first child. I didn't realize at the time how amazing that was. I lost most of the baby weight, but throughout the course of my pregnancy, I grew from a size AA/B cup to a whopping 32F. I had milk for days. I had so much mild that OB/GYN asked me to consider donating mild to the NICU. Yep. Lots of milk. My Dad had to take me to a special lingerie store in NY to find a nursing bra that would fit. Now I had large breasts to match my large bottom and large thighs. I had never really had breasts; and with the birth of my son I had some to spare. I didn't like it. I was self-conscious and clumsy and always bumping them against corners and walls. They took lots of getting used to, especially with all the attention they received. Thank goodness I eventually went down to a C/D cup after a 2 years. I never got back my pre-pregnancy runner's body. I 20 years old, 140 pounds, with stretch marks, large breasts and a large back side. Again, I was told that I was fat and needed to lose weight.

After giving birth to my second child in 2001 (and  gaining 35 pounds that I couldn't seem to drop), I learned about plus modeling in 2002. After being a ballerina, athlete and child model, it was like learning about a whole new world. I had the privilege of meeting wonderfully inspiring, inclusive and welcoming women who had undeniably impeccable style and were so proud to be full-figured. I began modeling in fashion shows and did some print work. 

Not long after my son turned 1, my marriage ended. I was single with two children. My self-confidence was at an all-time low. I ate food for comfort. Although I kept my modeling to myself for the most part, it was one of the outlets that helped rebuild my self-esteem. The friendships I developed (some even only online) in the plus industry nurtured my soul. The honesty and sincere
encouragement I received gave me the push I needed to start seeing myself in a different light and treating myself to much needed self-acceptance and love. I began to take better care of myself and eventually lost most of the baby weight from birth number 2. 

In 2006/7, I had two more children - at 37 and 38 years old. Yes, you read that right. I was essentially pregnant for almost 2 years - right before turning 40. I gained almost 70 pounds. Losing only about 40 pounds, only to hit a plateau that I wouldn't break for another 6 years. It was nice not to have to wear maternity clothes after pregnancy, but due to how my figure was set up :-) maternity clothes were comfortable and made room for my round middle. I had a hard time feeling pretty, always feeling like I looked pregnant. I started to toy with the idea of making my own clothes, and designing well-fitting clothes for other women who had "hard-to-find-clothes-that-fit" bodies. I was fortunate to cross paths with a few designers that shared my passion and I began to sketch designs for plus-figured beauties like me.

Fast forward to 2008, I founded Plus Productions Inc. (PPI), an event production group, fashion show focused, that featured real sized women, promoted self-acceptance and appreciation through sisterhood, fashion and other positive outlets. I hand-picked women who would model in the shows and would eventually help me run PPI. Unfortunately, I learned some very hard lessons: 1. Don't just give away your trust (not everyone you love is trustworthy), 2. Really KNOW who you allow into your inner circle (make sure your folks are loyal and truly share your vision), 3. Keep your visions and ideas to yourself until you're able to act on them (if they're good ideas, they may get stolen).

In 2011 I started journaling my weight-loss efforts and progress after a sick visit to my PCP. I went to get some antibiotics for a horrible cold turned sinus infection. Of course, before I even got into the exam room, the nurse weighed me. I cannot tell you the personal disappointment and surprise if felt. I couldn't believe I had reached 276 lbs. All I could think of was, "I'm right around the corner from 300 lbs. I weigh more than I did when I had my last child. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?  When the doctor came in, it was obvious that she was more concerned about my weight than my painful cough and on-going fever. She walked me back to the scale in the front of the office  - she wanted to weigh me again. (Are you serious?) Of course, the scale said pretty much the same thing - a few pounds more even, because this time I didn't bother taking off my boots. I was embarrassed and just wanted to hurry up and get back into the exam room. I was embarrassed that I was embarrassed. I mean, come on! I was an athlete. A dancer. A runner (a million years ago). Like - HELLOOOO - I knew better. Yes, I knew better, but I obviously had not done better. Not that I hadn't been already, but in that moment, I was ashamed. Not like when you feel a certain way - and it's a feeling you can hide - I knew that it showed all over my face. I just couldn't believe I had gotten that big.

My doctor gave me the z-pack for my cold (I was really, very sick) and suggested I make an appointment to go see a nutritionist. Immediately. Before going to the car, I dropped in to see my old obstetrician. Her office is in the same building and when you have two babies back-to-back you spend lots of time with your OB/GYN and her staff. It was nice to see them and the first thing everybody said after, "How are the kids?", was "It's so good to see you. You look great!" When I got out into the car, I adjusted the rear-view mirror to look at my reflection. I examined what I saw...my nose had gotten wider than I remembered it. The definition in my cheekbones was virtually non-existent. I had a double chin and I had some pimples. I hadn't really taken care of myself as I should.

I think - well, in my case, anyway - hearing people tell me that I was pretty (even though I didn't always believe it), looked nice, dressed well, looked so much younger than my age, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, etc., allowed me to overlook my weight gain. I lost sight of me, or more accurately, I ignored my consistent weight gain. My conscience always nudged me when I ate the things I wasn't supposed to eat or my portion sizes were just too large. I think that was the athlete/healthy me screaming, begging for a change.

In 2012, I reinjured my right knee and needed surgery. After a visit to the ER (one day I'll tell you that story...) I was referred to the wonderful Dr. Benjamin Thompson. Again, my weight came up. I told Dr.Thompson that I wanted to run marathons and I needed a strong, working knee. I half expected him to smirk, but he was on-board with my goal, so together, we decided on the kind of surgery that would give me the best outcome to achieve my marathon dreams. Not the easiest surgery and certainly not the fastest recovery time - but I was all in. I'd have to go physical therapy to strengthen the muscles around the knee, and I'd have to lose some weight before the surgery. So, I was referred to a nutritionist. She told me all the things I had already known - what I should be eating, when I should be eating it, make sure I exercise at least three times a week, blah, blah, blah, blah. My progress was so darn slow. I mean it took so much effort just to lose 5 pounds. It was frustrating because I couldn't work out the way I wanted. The way I remembered working out years before. It was a struggle to stay on the elliptical machine for just 15 minutes on level 1, speed 3. Of course, the longer I stuck with my routine, the more progress I made and the weight began to slowly but consistently drop. I constantly hit plateaus. It was hard, and frustrating. But I had become motivated and I was determined. This is when I was introduced to Yoga. It changed how I thought about my body. You could say it changed how I felt about my body too.  By the time I had surgery in November 2012, I had lost almost 20 pounds. Not so much - but it was a big accomplishment for me. Recovery was slow going and I had many set-backs. It was painful and debilitating. I was steadily packing on almost all of the weight I had lost. The only exercise I really got was during physical therapy; and because I was in so much pain, I could barely move sometimes, never mind exercise and my diet left room for much improvement.

I should interject here that although I've had body issues for most of my life, I did have self-love. And I did think I was attractive and loved my hour-glass shape. I think sometimes we women get caught up - we mistakenly think that if there are things about us we'd like to change or perhaps don't exactly love, that we aren't loving ourselves. I have found that this line of thinking is not constructive and totally false. Our lives: professional careers, personal relationships - our growth in general ebbs and flows. During the course of our lives we make mistakes, hopefully learn from them, we grow and progress, we fall into ruts, etc. Our bodies are no different. You may have 'issues' with your stretch marks or cellulite. You may not particularly care for the way your pooch hangs over your upper thigh. You may secretly wish  that you did not own a pair of cankles (y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout) - but that doesn't equal, "I don't love myself".

My knee surgery was the catalyst I needed to spark my awakening. The pain, the hard work, the endurance, the frustration...it all made me want to just walk again normally. I was on crutches for what seemed like forever. But I put in the work during the painful physical therapy. I learned so much about my body. I realized just how strong I really was and I made a promise to myself that I was going to not only walk, but I was going to RUN. RUN. RUN.  With all of the want and determination, my motivation was not as consistent as it should have been. I was an emotional eater, and my weight-loss had become stagnant. I wasn't gaining, but I wasn't losing either. For all the time I spend in the gym, my efforts were in vain because of my relationship with food - in particular - sweets. Oh how I love chocolate. I could sing songs about chocolate. I would climb the tallest mountain for chocolate...

I was referred to another nutritionist. Dr. N. Istfan, Medicine Endocrinology, Diabetes and Nutrition. That whole diabetes thing freaked me out. I mean - diabetes was not MY problem... for months I rescheduled my appointments for one reason or another. In the fall of 2013 I returned to school. A student at 44, with 4 kids. Was I crazy? Navigating my children's appointments, my appointments, the kids' practices, parent/teacher's conferences, my class schedule and homework, and projects, studying for mid-terms and finals felt almost impossible at times. In October 2013 I was invited to travel to California for a community organizing seminar with the organization I volunteered for. It was a great opportunity, so I made all the necessary arrangements and I was off. I remember feeling uncomfortable in the chair on the plane. My seatbelt was so tight - hadn't I lost weight?!!! We did lots of walking, touring green-certified apartment communities and sight-seeing. I could barely keep up. My knee hurt, it was swollen, my feet hurt, my back hurt...I was a mess; and I had to face the fact that I was not where I thought I was fitness-wise. Yes, I was wearing clothes that were 4 sizes smaller. Yes, I looked good. But I didn't feel good. And not being able to keep up with the group - just walking, was yet another wake-up call.

During the trip, pictures were taken. When I looked at those pictures...I mean really looked at them...

I had to face that I still had such a long way to go. When I got home, my workout sessions became more consistent. I started researching health and fitness topics that could help me become healthier.  I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Istfan and met the doctor who would change the way I looked at food. Dr. Istfan is THE MAN. He was honest and frank. But he gave me so much hope because finally someone understood my body and how my mind worked regarding food.  Of course, I was weighed - I was back up to 255 pounds. When I heard the word "morbidly obese" I flinched. After losing weight, getting stronger, I was still "morbidly obese". I hate that term. But that term described my medical condition. I was sent to the lab and scheduled to return in 2 days.

I lost 3 pounds in 2 days. I wrote down everything I ate and I drank tons of water. After reviewing my lab results, Dr. Istfan looked me in my face and announced that I was pre-diabetic. It was the second  scariest thing I've ever heard in my life  (yes, I count my scary things). "You are pre-diabetic". I said it again out loud, repeating my nutritionist, as if asking a question. "Pre-diabetic", his confirmation was frank and firm. We then discussed eating plan options and chose the diet that would work best for me. Because the diet was so strict, I had to agree to participate in a weekly support group. 7:30 in morning every Wednesday. Oh joy.

Diabetes? Both my grandmothers lost their lives to complications of diabetes (and smoking and not eating right and not exercising). My sweet mother-in-law (ex-husbands Mom), also passed away due to complications caused by diabetes. "I can't get sick. I won't. I have too much to do; and my children need me," I remember thinking. Yes I was scared, and now definitely motivated.

My workouts became my escape from my stress. Working out was my  therapy. I yearned to be fit and I wanted to run so badly and I found solace in movement, sweat, and sore muscles. I could feel my knee and my body getting stronger. I started to feel differently about me and how I viewed my body. I was empowered. It felt good.

The strength I felt did not only apply to when I was exercising. I started to feel more capable, more sure of myself. I was changing. I started loving myself MORE. I made better decisions - professionally and in my personal relationships. I was less accepting of negative behaviors from others; and I expected more from myself. It was a whole new world and I was excited to be me.

People around me also began to notice changes. I was encouraged to keep going, keep up the good work. That encouragement was so helpful. I was proud. Sometimes I'd get messages on Facebook, of someone telling me how I had inspired them to start taking better care of their bodies. The first time I heard that, I cried. I cried like a baby. I was so happy; and in turn it inspired to keep moving forward on my journey. Please do not mistake my daily decision to remain on this journey as being the same as 'I always do the right thing' regarding my fitness and health. Nope. I cheat. Probably too much. Hence, the journey. This road is full of sacrifice and hard work and sometimes I take some steps backwards. But I do not intend to give up. As long as I dust myself off, turn it around and march forward - well that's what counts.

Journey: an act or instance of traveling from one place to another. Something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another. Webster's Dictionary lists the example of the journey from youth to maturity. A journey isn't simply getting from point A to point B. The word journey invokes connotations of hardship, awakening, growth, setbacks, rectification, trial-and-error, all while moving forward to a goal. I have learned so much about myself on this journey. When you decided to lose weight you are forced to face yourself. You will have to make lots of not-so-easy decisions. Not everyone in your life will understand your journey and you may lose them along with the weight. But what you will gain is strength, self-affirmation, an amazing sense of accomplishment, and people that are drawn to you that want to encourage you and assist you along your journey.

As women we are complex beings. By nature, we are nurturing toward others. The best part of this journey for me is I'm learning how to truly nurture myself with the thoughts I think, the foods I eat, my exercise and the decisions I make.

Wanting to change things about ourselves is wanting to be better, move closer to the better version. The important thing is that we embrace our bodies and who we are right now - flaws and all, at every stage of our growth and progress along the journey.

With loads of encouragement,

Tiffany

#unconditionalbodybeautiful
#JourneyToTiffany

Please check out the amazing articles from the other bloggers! Links to their blogs are listed below. Happy reading! #IDareYouToNotBeInspired!

Author's Note: I hope that my self-reflection speaks to anyone who has found themselves wanting to make changes in their lives to become healthier, stronger, better. (Que Stronger...can you hear it? Harder, better, faster, stronger. Work it harder, make it better. Great workout song, by-the-way. Kanye West - Stronger Lyrics | MetroLyrics)

JAY MIRANDA
www.jaymiranda.com



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